i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize