6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
