omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
