whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
