I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
