I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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