I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
