I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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