my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize