So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
