"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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