Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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