For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
