There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize