Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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