He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
