I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
