dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
