I am midnight drunk by noon
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
