three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
