3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
