Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
