I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
