plz talk dirty to me
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
