Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
