I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
