i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
