I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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