You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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