I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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