I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
