Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
