I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
