i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
