I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
