Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
