Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We talked him into tasing himself.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
