nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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