grandma shit on top of the toilet
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
