I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
