Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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