you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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