I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
