Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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