just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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