The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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