Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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