everyone is single if you try hard enough
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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