yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
