I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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