So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
