god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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