my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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