Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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