You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
