Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
