Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
