My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
