I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
